Thoughts 009

 Some people are lucky, they can't express their happiness

Some people are lucky, they can't describe their despair

I am so lucky Oh friend.... really so lucky

For life has broken me beyond repair

Thoughts 008

Stranded in this unique intersection, dazed I am
Unknown lies the path ahead, is there a skew…
Clouded my mind, with choices & consequences
Entrusted my fate, for the path’s chosen by you..

Magic happens yet again, albeit it’s momentary
Something’s are too good to true… fleeting seconds
Tread the path chosen, for that’s our destiny
Swallow the emotions, for the life beckons..

Tears may run down, far and between, as they flowed
Don’t fret my friend…life happens… for this the poet’s last ode

Thoughts 007

 
Tell the drop of water that douses the raging fire… Don’t do it..
Tell the breath that savours the fragrance of flowers…. Don’t do it..
Tell the eyes the beckon the arrival of lightning… Don’t do it..

Tell the heart that beats for one not yours…. Don’t do it…

So writes the mad poet, unflinchingly in multiple flashes
Crying hopelessly.. all he desires… to become one with ashes..

Thoughts 006

 
Answer to a question unknown
Fate of lives certain to change..
Factors galore, emotions lot more…
For god’s ways are indeed strange..

Grapple I do with uncertainty
Body is on fire,  desperate for clarity
Promise I do to follow the words
With all my heart, full of sincerity

Stream... another perspective

 I am just a medium, a channel of expression. For I can’t possibly fathom the pleasures and pains of her. She is the one who is blessed to be a spark, an igniter of new life. To even think of representing her view is blasphemous for me.. When I just start thinking, my head starts to spin. I wait for her spirit to engulf my soul.. I open my being, my soul to be taken over by her.. For it’s her story to tell…

Trinkets and bangles adorn the table fit for a queen. Spoilt for choices, I am still clueless. Pleasures of life galore all around me, an unknown emptiness sucks the energy of my soul. While I do go through the motions of life, familiar voices wanting my help bring me back to the reality of life. While I go through the motions of life, an empty beckoning is heard. Unable to quantify this void, I learnt to live with it.. to an extent I even forgot about it..

My only escape from reality is my meeting with my mother.. rather our mother.. Mother Nature. As I take a stroll through the woods, I talk to the trees, to the lovely flowers who are blooming afresh.. to those who are on the verge of withering away… I stand enchanted with the love song of birds. The harmony of the chirping only is an aberration for one can’t miss the strong odour of love emanating from that.

Desirous of music I make my way to the stream.. The water is my best friend, my only friend.. I love to hear his new song every day… He tells me the tales of the people he met on his journey towards me.. I hope he will carry my story some day… For now I am like a fresh blackboard with a chalk, yet no words adorn my exterior…

While I fill my water, I hardly notice anything around.. For me, my world is entirely internal.. Birds are besties while the water is my soul.. I am safe in the womb of my mother… Until, I notice something out of the ordinary…

Who is he? Why is he staring at me? Quite uncomfortable at the intruder and literally angry with the unwanted guest, I hurry home.. Though my duties keep me busy, there’s a thread running in my head… Who is he?

The next day, my solace is broken by the unwanted but known familiar face. He is smiling like an enamoured kid.. Doesn’t he know my predicament? Does he know my own conflicts?

Unwilling to add fuel to the fire, I ignore him.. With time, I realise, the more I ignore him, the more he is occupying my conscious. I am intrigued with this unwelcome guest who has captured my senses and disturbed my inner peace. Why do his thoughts make me laugh? Why do I enjoy his unwelcome company ?

With time, involuntarily my heart made me smile…. I could see a palpable happiness written all over his face.. For some reason, I felt excited and happy. While on my journey back, I am laughing to myself… when was I alive last? When was my soul released last? Drunk with this new founded happiness I make my way to my reality..

One day, this unwelcome guest gives me the shock of my life… he jumps in water and comes towards me… Who is he? Is he crazy? What if he drowns?? An unexplainable pang comes over my heart… When he is submerged, my heart starts to bleed…. I am crying profusely sending prayers to god… Please .. please spare him….  When I see his head rear over water, uncontrolled tears of happiness come over me… I wanted him to live.. for he has become my reason to live.. my spirit of unknown dimensions..

As he reaches out to my feet, I am startled…. What if??? Yet he chose not to react…. When he settled on the banks, I was elated and relieved… more happy than one could be…. Then he did the unthinkable…. He touched my hand…

ANGER… a sudden rush of fire hidden in the depths of me emerged like a volcano… How dare he? Who does he think himself to be? Does he know who I am? The compassion and happiness at his emergence from water is soon forgotten and I am strutting back home without even looking back..

When I am alone, my anger doesn’t subside… HOW DARE HE??? Unwilling to let go of my new found anger, my body is shivering with heat… Is this fever? Is this anger? Or is this the unexplainable unwanted unexpected event that I hoped would never come to transpire?

The next day I do make my way to my spot.. I don’t listen to the birds.. I don’t watch the trees.. My best friend the stream has become silent… Still hurting and raw from the incidents of previous day, I hide myself behind a tree… I was quite disappointed when I saw no one around.. I felt dejected if I had landed up breaking that one escape from reality that I so desired badly..

When I am about to turn back, I hear a ruffle amongst leaves and a familiar figure comes into sight. A man, desperately and hopelessly defeated, eagerly searching for a glimpse of the elusive elixir… that’s  me.. I see the form of the man collapse to the ground… I wait till he walks back and I make my way back to my reality…

This continues for a week, with every passing day, the thoughts of this unnamed man engulfing my present. My heart starts to bleed for him. I can’t see a grown up man sitting and crying hopelessly like a child.. Why is he doing this? Of all the people in the universe, why me? I grapple with these questions day and night. Every single thought evokes unknown hidden emotions… I find myself worrying about him with every passing second…

Finally after a week, I relent… I decide to confront my reality and let the reality sink in for all.. I have enough of this conflict within me which has eaten me hollow from inside.. I see him coming towards me .. Though I am worried as always, I am quietly confident he will make it… When he comes to the bank, I see a grown defeated man.. a man hopelessly and aimlessly staring into water… crying for no reason….

For that is the moment I truly understood the predicament I faced… this man was hopelessly in love with me… What about me? Why did I worry about him? Why did I cry for him? Why did his struggles become mine? What about my reality back home??

Grappling with the questions, I feel the raging war between the mind and the soul.. I sit next to him… He utters the words he wished to, but I was dumb at that moment.. for me the syllables were an aberration.. For at that moment, I truly knew the answer…

When he tried to say something again, quite against my character, I touch the skin of another man… I stop him.. for words are just trivialising what we both feel deep within our hearts… The physical distance doesn’t matter as the souls were conjoined..

I decided.. I need to express and be free.. I need him to know that my soul was his for entirety…. I wish I could express my deep love to him… Though he expected me to kiss him, I decided to better it.. I rest my shoulders on him indicating my dependence on him.. engulf his hands to say I will never leave your side for rest of my life… Close my eyes to enjoy this surreal moment of bliss..

When he asks for my name, I smile.. I wish I could shout and say.. “I Love you… I am your ….. “

Thoughts 005

Ask a breath where she belongs
To the external world, where she is the creator
Or the internal one, which she sustains

Ask a drop of water where she belongs
To the fountain of spring where she emerges
Or the majestic ocean where she unites

Ask a speck of fire where she belongs
To the embers of a previous life
Or the life to be begotten, by it’s flame

Ask a tear where it belongs
To the pleasure of happiness within heart
Or to the longing soul, waiting forever

Thoughts 004

Dance of black and white, miss I do very much
Hoping against hope, for a word, a syllable
Certainties are uncertain, times are such
Pains of separation, found to be unbearable

Know that a heart beats somewhere, soul’s on fire
Though its mine, mind is dumb, heart’s full of desire

Thoughts 003

 
Lips sport a smile for reasons unknown
Eyes glisten in the dark, like diamonds shone
Heart skips a beat quite often, it’s already flown
Spell has come over me,  for something is sown

Desire for a syllable, yearn for a touch
Elusive like a mirage, special as she is such
Near yet far, out while being in, special she is
Miss I do, really can’t quantify .. just how much

Thoughts 002

 
Flashes of spark, moisture of dew, black as coal
Sparks of brilliance, captures, controls my soul

Yearn for a touch, desperate for a smile
Admonishes my stupidity, laughing all the while

Mirage of life, Elixir of eternal love I seek
Just a mere presence, makes my mind go weak

Time to hang up, for reality beckons
Deep inside me, she’s the queen of my heaven

Thoughts 001

 Unexplainable are my emotions, bereft of words
Caught in the quagmire of my own apprehension
Searching for the elusive light, did I roam everywhere
Little did I know, deep inside me, lies a sun in possession

Yearn I did for touch, perhaps a glimpse, a word
Mind deceived me, Heart cautioned me, Beware
Dance of desire and fright, made my intellect go numb
Separation though created by me, unable to bear

Lightning strikes, emits a spark of light
Caressed my soul, like a cool breeze of November
Ignited the unbridled passion, undying love
Reminded me, she is & will be mine …. Forever 

Stream...

 
Dust rises from the ground as the hooves of the cows strike their chord with Mother Earth.  Sun has transformed into a lovely orange orb, a fruit so delicious, yet so unattainable. As I make my way towards the bank of the stream, my mind is running myriad of emotions. Anticipation, expectation, apprehension, fear make for a toxic cocktail, yet that elusive glimmer of hope keeps my soul fire burning.

A cool breeze hits my face as I come closer to the stream. The tune of the tiny waves on the pebbles adds to musical effect of Mother Nature who seems to be teasing my senses. Pebbles and granules caress my feet as I walk towards my destination. Questions galore, clouded mind I make my way to my destined point. As I enter the water and feel the coldness of the evening stream, I amaze at the theatre laid out by Mother Nature for my encounter with destiny.

Is this my real destination? Did I really reach my goal? As I grapple with these sundries, a glimmer of hope rises over the horizon. A radiance far outshining the waning orb, like a streak of lightning against a dark sky. There she comes… the one who has enamoured my imagination.. one who has diffused into every cell of mine… the one who is the essence of every single breath…

As she comes to fill her water, our eyes meet.. albeit for a moment.. that momentary glimpse is sufficient for the arduous journey I took… my day has been spectacular… As she fills water and steals glances, I know the battle of wits within the soul… For I am also living through the same…

As her form fades into the evening, my heart melts… desirous of yet another glance.. one more small spark… my heart is filled with emotions.. Overwhelming love… unexplainable happiness… yet a melancholic streak of expectation.. of yet another day… for I am sure I will live another day.. come and have a glance.. that one fleeting gland… of my love… my inspiration… my spirit.. the spark of my soul…

Time stands standstill for me. Eons pass in a fleeting second, yet the unquenchable thirst of just a sight doesn’t seem to subside. I have lost track of time since the first encounter. Questions still cloud my mind, for am unable to fathom the happenings of the recent past. While the smile is unmistakable, does she have the fire in her? Am I misunderstanding a courtesy and painting with hues unknown to me hitherto? Am I stretching my imagination too far? Hell… am I loosing my sanity?

Grappling with these questions in my mind, I make my way to the stream. The usual zeal is missing.. Energy is ebbing.. I am feeling sapped..  Excitement is replaced with apprehension as I make my way to the stream.. Standing in the water I look at the reflection.. Questions come flowing into my mind much like the flowing waters of the stream.. Who am I ? What am I doing? What am I thinking? Confused, dazzled, hazed … I am stuck in a trance that I fail to notice the arrival … the one which I was waiting for the entire day…

She is a beacon of radiance.. every new sight of hers makes me feel she is transforming into a bright sphere of unending brightness. She smiles.. the twinkle, the mischief all intact… as if cast in a play… the only irony being the play is that of my life.. Clouded I am, I don’t respond… for the first time, I observe the brows narrowing… the contours of the face changing.. a different image unravelling itself in front of me… What is going wrong… Stunned like a rock, I am looking at her, but my sight is clouded… my mind registers an unknown horizon .. unknown to me, a tear escapes my eye.. Lost in time, I am standing like a rock for what looks eternity…

Turning myself in the bed, unable to sleep, I am crying.. reasons unknown… Too many questions are making me go mad and question my sanity.. I am loss of words… In the middle of the night I decide to do the unthinkable…

Next day, I am standing at the stream… ankle deep in water… lost in my thoughts when a familiar face comes into my sight… Quite surprisingly I find her unemotional…. I couldn’t stand it anymore… I cross the stream… Cold water making their presence felt all over my body, more importantly over my soul.. as I go neck deep, I have thrown caution to the winds for I don’t know swimming… My objective, my goal was right in front of me…

A spirit, a hidden fire inside makes me transcend my mental barriers.. before I know I find the waters receding… I know am closer to my goal… when I come close to the face I so desire.. concern and sheer fear written alll over that beautiful face in front of me… I can feel her warm breath caressing my cold face… Its chilly cold, yet I feel so warm….

Our eyes meet… the twinkle… the brilliance …. As I pour into her eyes, I find that I am getting into a soul…. God, I would love to die at that very moment…. She looks into my eyes, when a pearl appears at the corner… as it races down her fair cheek, I smile… I am relieved…. finally..my questions answered… I know my answer….

Centuries seem to have passed since that proverbial encounter. What started as a small spark has grown into a roaring flame consuming my soul entirely. From a person who desired her to a person whose every cell and essence reeked of her, I had become a proverbial lover. The language of the eyes seem to be communicating a lot though the sounds were drowned by the cacophony of the theatre we were playing our parts in. Time seemed to stand still always..

My body was running a fever.. a fever of strong uninhibited desire of expression. I wanted to shout out to the world and say “She is mine…” Yet I was at the cross-roads of conflict .. torn by the boundaries and limitations imposed by the society.. more importantly her..  The fever started as a mild fire soothing the soul, but gradually became an inferno that my head felt as it was on charcoals..

Deciding to douse this once and for all, I made my journey across the stream. There she was .. her eyes… her smile… oh if there was a power to melt a stone, here she was… I cross the water and sat on the bank…. I requested her to sit next to me…. As expected she was hesitant…. My fever was roaring inside me… A cocktail of emotions.. anger, frustration, apprehension, exhaustion… I did the unthinkable… I reached out and held her tender hands…. She was shocked !!!

I never expected what transpired next… Reflex action as it was.. she pushed me…. And started to run.. Amidst the noise all around, I could her sob…. I could clearly see her tears down her rosy cheeks… those wonderful eyes welled up and she started to run away….

Disbelief played all over me.. did I ruin everything… What did I achieve out of this stunt of mine… did I lose something I had in hand… Am I such a loser? I have always lost in life… what seemed like one small silver lining in my life… I lost her…

Gazing into the stream ahead of me.. I started to ponder.. unknown to me .. tears started to run down my cheek…

As the sun sets over the horizon so do my hopes and desires… what started as a small sob has been become a hopeless downpour… There I am .. in the twilight.. a grown man sitting and crying hopelessly on the bank of the stream.. I don’t remember the time or space I was in… all I knew was excruciating pain…. The pain of a loss… When I crossed the stream later.. neither the chillness of the water nor the pounding rain had any effect on me… I was a corpse crossing the stream…

I pulled myself off the water.. went home and dropped dead in bed.. hopelessly staring at the ceiling as if there was an answer written to my soulless face. There I was … the proverbial loser….

Yet another dawn… not the one I hoped for…. Soon it was the time of the day I set out on my journey to the stream.. Streak of hope I walked to the stream and stood on my side of the bank… seconds ticked by… minutes raced past…. Before I knew it was dark… yet there was no sign of the spark I hoped to get a glimpse off !!! The mood of the environs matched that of my mind… completely dark … I collapse on the pebbles.. … My eyes are dry… Soul has been withered… it’s been churned out of the essence of life…. I am quite certain I lost the one blessing I thought I had as mine..

The ritual continues everyday… I have lost track of time or days… my stubble has gone astray.. to the external world I am a lunatic… a hopeless lost case who for unexplainable reason has lost every ounce of life within him..

A week has passed since my stupidity… I drag my body… heavy as a dead corpse to the stream.. I don’t even have the energy or zeal to look at the other bank… I am staring hopelessly in the water…I am oblivious to my environments… I don’t even see what was happening on opposite side… I even don’t see what was transpiring.. Something somewhere started to prick me… I looked up… saw the other side and lo ! behold… I could see the one person I dearly wanted to see.. to talk.. to apologise….

With the energy of a horse I start to cross the stream… Water level doesn’t matter… pebbles don’t hurt any more… Like a mad man, I make the mad rush across the gushing water.. I am almost to the other bank… My vision is treated to her feet in the water…. Almost involuntarily I reach out close to the feet … An apology perhaps….

I drag myself out of water and sit on the bank.. wet and dripping… ashamed to even look up … I look at her … apology and deep pain written all over my hopeless wretched face… She stands stoic… absolutely no expressions… I hang my head down..

I can sense a movement next to me…. I see a familiar figure next to me sitting down… I am crying hopelessly… Aimlessly.. I look at her… eyes filled with tears… I can see a compassion in those eyes… I want to say “I am sorry” but words fail me… am sobbing uncontrollably…. I hang my head in shame yet again… Moments pass… I am slightly better with the overflow of emotions..

I look at her.. there she is next to me… her physical presence is magnetic in nature… Something comes over me… How do I address her? I don’t even know her name… I turn towards her and blurt out… “I LOVE YOU…”

I was expecting strong retribution …. No reactions.. Yet again the familiar pangs of my best friend LOSER start to make their presence felt… I just look at the pebbles…. Hurt transforms into anger…

I look up again and tell her.. “ Didn’t you hear what I said? Are you deaf !!!! I said I Love….” … a finger shuts my lips… was it the warmth of her hand on my cold face or was it the moment… I am held in a trance…

She comes close to me… her face is right next to me…. Her hot breath is right on my face… my mind was running myriad of emotions… I close my eyes…. She is very close to me.. the physical boundaries between our bodies are nonexistent.. She rests her head on my shoulder.. and hugs my hand in a protective fashion…

I am at a loss of words at what just transpired…. Happiness knew no bounds…. I just couldn’t express the situation…. Mustering courage I ask her..
“What is your name…” .. our eyes meet…. Time is lost forever…